Dreaming & Thinking

These are changes in my life I won’t be able to articulate until I am much older and have seen them through.

When I lay in bed at night, my mind goes on a journey that inevitably soothes me to sleep. Sometimes I go back to my memories at my grandparents’ house and walk through the hallways in my mind. I can still seat myself in the pink vinyl chairs at their circular kitchen table. I know where the rice cooker sat on the counter, how the birds would perch in the bushes by the window, and the T.V. shows that would play in the evenings.

As I close my eyes, I always think back on my day and pick out points of gratitude. Lately, these points have been time spent with friends. On Thursday I went to Mass and dinner with a friend, and it was food for the soul. That encounter with her restored peace and clarity in me.

Sometimes my mind goes to the ocean, far away from reality and memory, and stands myself on the shore to be lulled asleep by the monotonous, hypnotic rhythm of the crashing waves.

Regardless of where my mind goes on a given night, it is always comforting images, memories, and a sense of gratitude that carry me to sleep.

There’s so much in my life I want to do. Thinking of the freshman that recently passed away is a jarring reminder that we really don’t know where we are going. I don’t want to die yet because there’s so much I still want to do and experience. I want to give myself to the world. I want to do all I can. I want to experience feelings still unknown to me. I want to love.

These thoughts have made me bolder in action and word. I texted this to a friend a few nights ago: “I’m grateful to be your friend. It’s these kinds of friendships that make you grow and cherish life. I can learn so much from you.”

Last Tuesday in my SSC class, I noticed there was a handsome guy sitting alone, so I asked to sit next to him. Usually I would never be that bold, but I figured why not. He has really beautiful red hair and fair skin. I’m glad I took the leap and plopped myself next to him. Hopefully it will turn into a friendship because he seems very kind and cool.

I read Catcher In the Rye recently, and it brought to my attention the power of coming of age stories. It is great to find literature that speaks your experience, especially with regards to feelings of disappointment, disillusionment, and sadness. Turn to art and you will find company in your feelings.

I find the most comfort, however, in God. I know that every moment of my life has meaning and purpose. I am eternally heading towards Him with every breath in my lungs. Each moment in my experience can be a pathway to God, an encounter with Him. Knowing this brings me out of the momentary chaos of worry and places me on a path with a larger perspective.